After that long story short i told you before. we have maintain the distance since january '19. We didnt spend much time but for work. One or two time maybe we have time to talk, there is one time that i insist to drive him back, not to go home, but in a place he wanna go. so we have a time to talk in car. Until a, b, c and d, i finally said that "go propose me" and he seems surprised ( i dont know why cz seems like i ever told him like that on a several time and i just saw that face) and he said "are you sure?" and on my mind, with all things happen, his ignorance, careless and even he never make me strong and sure about our relationships that he never said that 'okey we can be strong together even if there are many thunder and rain come to us, we can pass it' or maybe just said that, yea together we cant be strong' HE HAS NEVER said that, he just careless for the problem we get, when i get mad, he look dont care and even dont talk to me, time pass and i will not mad by the time. then we talk again like nothing happen. oh, one more, he never officially introduce me to his family. like NEVER. then my mouth automatically said "umm, not really sure, i didnt sure" (yea, thats my way to get a faith from him, i hope he'll make me sure about this relationship) but i was wrong, he just said that, okay we'll talk about it later.
time pass again, until Ramadhan will coming, i cant handle to make sure whats going on and whats our plan a head. i feel like our connection was lost. like totally lost. my negative mind told me that he already unlove me just like the first time in out commitment. another negative mind said that he has already have another girl because in recent day, he update something wasnt about me but for a girl. you know my mind go every where, more oven when he don't want to talk to me. every single time i ask about to meet for talk, he just said "how about tomorrow?" "what do you wanna to talk about? why so in hurry?" "i cant make it today, i have to hang out with my friends" until it didn't happen. So i surrender.
Time pass again. We have a out of town working in ramadhan. Everything seems alright ( *alright = running as usual, not much talking, lil flirting *i do it first, and yea, nothing special). my feeling still in curious, but i stop my self to find a way to know. i just set my mind that he'll talk to me if he mean to be. he would say it! in a right time he ready. and i was optimist that, he will take a best way what ever the decision is. go strong together or let it end.
Then, on ramadhan holiday i test him with asking a favour. i will borrow his book (i actually need it at that time) thats not just a chit chat because i need that book to learn. Somehow, i did felt something suspicious. is he trying to left me? is he bored with all this love hate relationships? because, if its as usual, even i didnt asking for deliver it, he will deliver it at that time. until lebaran days, he didnt. whereas, he dm me for saying sorry (that lebaran things) and still ignore my favour about the book. little things, but thats make me realise, im not so important to him.
finally, ramadhan off work end and we back to work, we meet at work. at that time, im trying make it as usual to him. i find a way to speak to him and any other things that can connect us. There is a news for his preposition job and finally his application letter was accept by head office and he looks so happy for it. me, not. feeling lil bit sad because we will no longer meet every day, but lil bit happy that he can get the position that have an opportunity to make his career path better. he asked for hand toss but i reject, cz u know, that "lil bit sad". its okay. i still give a hope. why? because i still feel that he is mine. poor me.
Whit all that curiosity in my head, my best friends ask me to meet him and ask every things about the relationship. but ya Allah, i was to scare to do it. i was to scare to accept the worst one. day by day, my besties keep trying to convincing me to do it. and still i have no courage to did it.
Until one day, suddenly he text me and asking me to have a chit chat. unfortunately i was late 4 minutes to replay it, because he only wait 2 minutes for my replay and go. so we reschedule it until the next day.
okay. i was so wondering what things we gonna talk about. my head wont stop thinking about that. its only two topic on my mind that day. first was, we will talk about our relationship that we will bring it to more serious ( i prepare a lot of question for that. for make my self sure and believe he is the one) and the second was, he asked for breakup ( i dont know, i just feel like he had affair with other girl).
That day finally coming, he text me the place and i was asking for a drive but he reject me. i feel upset, like i just dont wanna came to that place. but, my logic tell that dont do that. if i go with my ego, this thing will never be work. so i go by my self. but with that attitude, i beleve we'll talk about bad things.
upon i arrived there, i spontaneous said that "what we're gonna talk about? did you get interested with another girl" that was my insecure sentence to say.
you know what did he said??? hmmm OMG, i cant write no more. sorry i cant continue the story.
all i felt that day was, more than drugs effect that people said. my body and my soul feel like separated that all of my body feel nothing.
sad over load.
many story to share, but i just cant write it, maybe catch you up on video so that i can tell you better.
for you, the person that i give all my trust, sometimes i regret that i give you that much love. but i realised that you are my lesson that Allah give. we didnt make it because Allah didnt allowed it. you and me isnt a good combo to be together. things i just can tell you "please be nice to other" never make your "the one" disappointed like u did to me. yes you can be your self as what you believe, but you can be your best self so people around you comfortable (please dont ask why must you make other comfortable) . Never blame any other because ours didnt work. you cant blame me, my dream or my mom. one i know is you are my 'ballorang' boy.
until now, i always suggest my self to remember all the bad things so i can hate you. yea i force my self to hate you (even when i know the fact that you're doing flirting with other girl while we still together, why cant i really hate you). thats the only way i can do to accept all things happen. ok. i hate you.
