After that long story short i told you before. we have maintain the distance since january '19. We didnt spend much time but for work. One or two time maybe we have time to talk, there is one time that i insist to drive him back, not to go home, but in a place he wanna go. so we have a time to talk in car. Until a, b, c and d, i finally said that "go propose me" and he seems surprised ( i dont know why cz seems like i ever told him like that on a several time and i just saw that face) and he said "are you sure?" and on my mind, with all things happen, his ignorance, careless and even he never make me strong and sure about our relationships that he never said that 'okey we can be strong together even if there are many thunder and rain come to us, we can pass it' or maybe just said that, yea together we cant be strong' HE HAS NEVER said that, he just careless for the problem we get, when i get mad, he look dont care and even dont talk to me, time pass and i will not mad by the time. then we talk again like nothing happen. oh, one more, he never officially introduce me to his family. like NEVER. then my mouth automatically said "umm, not really sure, i didnt sure" (yea, thats my way to get a faith from him, i hope he'll make me sure about this relationship) but i was wrong, he just said that, okay we'll talk about it later.
time pass again, until Ramadhan will coming, i cant handle to make sure whats going on and whats our plan a head. i feel like our connection was lost. like totally lost. my negative mind told me that he already unlove me just like the first time in out commitment. another negative mind said that he has already have another girl because in recent day, he update something wasnt about me but for a girl. you know my mind go every where, more oven when he don't want to talk to me. every single time i ask about to meet for talk, he just said "how about tomorrow?" "what do you wanna to talk about? why so in hurry?" "i cant make it today, i have to hang out with my friends" until it didn't happen. So i surrender.
Time pass again. We have a out of town working in ramadhan. Everything seems alright ( *alright = running as usual, not much talking, lil flirting *i do it first, and yea, nothing special). my feeling still in curious, but i stop my self to find a way to know. i just set my mind that he'll talk to me if he mean to be. he would say it! in a right time he ready. and i was optimist that, he will take a best way what ever the decision is. go strong together or let it end.
Then, on ramadhan holiday i test him with asking a favour. i will borrow his book (i actually need it at that time) thats not just a chit chat because i need that book to learn. Somehow, i did felt something suspicious. is he trying to left me? is he bored with all this love hate relationships? because, if its as usual, even i didnt asking for deliver it, he will deliver it at that time. until lebaran days, he didnt. whereas, he dm me for saying sorry (that lebaran things) and still ignore my favour about the book. little things, but thats make me realise, im not so important to him.
finally, ramadhan off work end and we back to work, we meet at work. at that time, im trying make it as usual to him. i find a way to speak to him and any other things that can connect us. There is a news for his preposition job and finally his application letter was accept by head office and he looks so happy for it. me, not. feeling lil bit sad because we will no longer meet every day, but lil bit happy that he can get the position that have an opportunity to make his career path better. he asked for hand toss but i reject, cz u know, that "lil bit sad". its okay. i still give a hope. why? because i still feel that he is mine. poor me.
Whit all that curiosity in my head, my best friends ask me to meet him and ask every things about the relationship. but ya Allah, i was to scare to do it. i was to scare to accept the worst one. day by day, my besties keep trying to convincing me to do it. and still i have no courage to did it.
Until one day, suddenly he text me and asking me to have a chit chat. unfortunately i was late 4 minutes to replay it, because he only wait 2 minutes for my replay and go. so we reschedule it until the next day.
okay. i was so wondering what things we gonna talk about. my head wont stop thinking about that. its only two topic on my mind that day. first was, we will talk about our relationship that we will bring it to more serious ( i prepare a lot of question for that. for make my self sure and believe he is the one) and the second was, he asked for breakup ( i dont know, i just feel like he had affair with other girl).
That day finally coming, he text me the place and i was asking for a drive but he reject me. i feel upset, like i just dont wanna came to that place. but, my logic tell that dont do that. if i go with my ego, this thing will never be work. so i go by my self. but with that attitude, i beleve we'll talk about bad things.
upon i arrived there, i spontaneous said that "what we're gonna talk about? did you get interested with another girl" that was my insecure sentence to say.
you know what did he said??? hmmm OMG, i cant write no more. sorry i cant continue the story.
all i felt that day was, more than drugs effect that people said. my body and my soul feel like separated that all of my body feel nothing.
sad over load.
many story to share, but i just cant write it, maybe catch you up on video so that i can tell you better.
for you, the person that i give all my trust, sometimes i regret that i give you that much love. but i realised that you are my lesson that Allah give. we didnt make it because Allah didnt allowed it. you and me isnt a good combo to be together. things i just can tell you "please be nice to other" never make your "the one" disappointed like u did to me. yes you can be your self as what you believe, but you can be your best self so people around you comfortable (please dont ask why must you make other comfortable) . Never blame any other because ours didnt work. you cant blame me, my dream or my mom. one i know is you are my 'ballorang' boy.
until now, i always suggest my self to remember all the bad things so i can hate you. yea i force my self to hate you (even when i know the fact that you're doing flirting with other girl while we still together, why cant i really hate you). thats the only way i can do to accept all things happen. ok. i hate you.
Wednesday, August 7, 2019
Saturday, June 15, 2019
Finnally i felt it part I
have you ever feel, feeling to love someone with no exactly reason?
i have no idea, i've been falling in on several times to a several person. love in here isn't about you and your parents, daughter or your pet. Love in here is about two person, yeah, man and woman.
i never though that, 2 years ago i've been falling in love with this man. no, its not love at the first sight. because first time i saw him, i just though that this man act so random. i cant xplain more about what i mean about act random. but yea, i didnt interesting at all.
until one day we have a same activity and i have more change to have a mutual conversation. actually the reason why i started to interested with his is his faith to God, first thing that impressed me was when i see there are flight attendant pass by us, with their sexy cutting skirts. in condition me and my boys friends, i will flirt and say "hey bro, look at that sexy thing they show". but in that condition, i cant make a joke like that because im not too close yet to make that kind of joke.
but then, i see him accidentally looking to those flight attendant, and right at that time, he said "astagfirullah" and bowed hi head to avoid what he see. As simple as that. then i start to admired him.
and i remember back, how did he done his daily. he always do the pray on time. like on that time after adzan and directly go to mosque. one more i remember, when i enter the room and whispering my self ( cz my voice was to low to hear by all people on room) "assalamualaikum" the one who answer it was just him. I WAS FALLING IN LOVE ON THAT SIMPLE WAY!. cheezy but true.
and long short story, my love to him was welcomed. he has the same way, i dont know why with a long story, finally we get close and close, having a first date and so on. while the step on knowing each other, i didnt found my first reason to liked him. seems his faith go down after close to me. yea we all know, in islam, we are prohibited to get close, man and woman without marriage. i've found him several time not doing the pray. and i feel sad about it. really sad, but why i still stay. Whereas thats my main reason to agree go with him.
um, almost forget to tell you about my feeling when he asking me to get together. that was my first time i think about marriage. Before, if i had a relationship with a boy, i feel that, oh yea lets do it but lets see later if its going to marriage ending. but to this guy, i dont know why, i just feel lets know each other to step on the next level of live called mariage.
then, its not that easy to reach that goal. actually the main problem was, the parents acceptable. knowing my parents criteria's are about his job, his family and so on. yea like the other normal parents want. they wouldnt give their daughter to the wrong person right?
actually on all the criteria, he didnt hit all check. but you know whats on my mind? as long as he's good to Allah, working hard for family. lets just do it. my only plan was. lets go get what the parents want together, get their heart and work on that together.
To reach that goal, i start to introduce him to my main family. yes. i arrange the meeting. i invited all the family member to dinner, then asking him to join. thats my first time to introduce my boy to family, to my parents. how its feel? lil bit make me shy (cz hey! the last child bring a boy), nervous for sure, and all others mix feeling with hope that this man will acceptable to family. that night goes well, at least my parents know the person i close with. no more matching mekering me with others ( even if its not work to mom, she sometimes tried to introducing me to any her friends or fams son) but even if she tried to, i always denied it. because you know, before there are a guy that my mom want me to married, at the same time when i started to get close this fuckin man i like. at that time, i was asking for his advice. can i just know this guy for just knowing each other just like me and him. because in this phase, we are not being boy/girl friend or people call it "pacaran". We just say it with a commitment to being together in future. yea, that just close with 'pacaran' i know thats might be wrong moreover in our religion. and his advice was,"if you mean to be with me, then cut of that guy, if you wanna know more about him then cut me of".
and for sure, i'm the type of person that scare to have a mistake by purpose, so i cant run this two relationship, really afraid to get busted ( even all of my friend advised me to just run this two and i choose which is mean to me). so, i choose to cut that guy off and stay with him. back again to my purpose. i like him and i mean to be with him.
then, we spend time together in a year, arguing, mad each other, happiness, hanging out, all we done together to purpose that we wanna know each other in even the bad things. but, i admit that i always being cranky for lil things. such as if he cannot (but in my observe, he can but he seems better doing something else) accompanying me to go here and there, if he careless for what happen to me, saying the word that cruel on my opinion. thats make my relation ship lil bit runny. and i was wondering for this long time we wanna know each other, not a single time he asking me to meet his family. just meet his mom in hospital when he git sick. but its was just as an ordinary friends (i want more, hha).in my though, may be he is not ready yet, he maybe just manna make sure that his heart really choose me. and i appreciate it. and just wait when that day come without asking for it. and my progress in family just stuck on that day i introduce him. my mom sometimes asking him if he still exist on me, and my answer always "yes for sure, can i asking him to propose me?" and my mom be just smile and said "if you want to, asking ur dad" and raise her shoulder. they(my parents) just need to be assured. the only thing i can promote this man to my mom is his religious behaviour. thats what i can do so far. while im waiting him to get me close to his family. maybe after that i can be more faith and confidence if i know his family well.
before that things happen, my communication get worst,until we stop chatting each other in early 2019.The good things was, while my communication was lil bit broke, he seems come back close to God, that lil proud feeling if seeing him after pray. peace. but still on my mind, many other prejudice about him. because what? because we let that problem without any problem solve, without say sorry or else. it happen several time, there are problem, i got cranky, and we not speak each other. i tell you one of my weakness, im lil bit bitchy and tense to speak when im angry. and he didnt like it i guess, no one like it absolutely.
while all on my thought mix together, i just make conclusion that we just maintain the distance for good. to go away with 'pacaran effect' that not good for us. i just believe that some day, when he is ready, he will just asking me meet my mom and dad and face it together what ever the result is. so then i let day by day pass by. all i can do is just praying and praying. Allah, if it good to me get him close give us way, if it isnt (can you make it is? >,<) make my heart strong and find me the best way to stay away. yea thats the pray. even deep in my heart will with him until the end of the day until after life. i just believe, he just stay with me (because we nit talking much) thats just my faith for that time.
i have no idea, i've been falling in on several times to a several person. love in here isn't about you and your parents, daughter or your pet. Love in here is about two person, yeah, man and woman.
i never though that, 2 years ago i've been falling in love with this man. no, its not love at the first sight. because first time i saw him, i just though that this man act so random. i cant xplain more about what i mean about act random. but yea, i didnt interesting at all.
until one day we have a same activity and i have more change to have a mutual conversation. actually the reason why i started to interested with his is his faith to God, first thing that impressed me was when i see there are flight attendant pass by us, with their sexy cutting skirts. in condition me and my boys friends, i will flirt and say "hey bro, look at that sexy thing they show". but in that condition, i cant make a joke like that because im not too close yet to make that kind of joke.
but then, i see him accidentally looking to those flight attendant, and right at that time, he said "astagfirullah" and bowed hi head to avoid what he see. As simple as that. then i start to admired him.
and i remember back, how did he done his daily. he always do the pray on time. like on that time after adzan and directly go to mosque. one more i remember, when i enter the room and whispering my self ( cz my voice was to low to hear by all people on room) "assalamualaikum" the one who answer it was just him. I WAS FALLING IN LOVE ON THAT SIMPLE WAY!. cheezy but true.
and long short story, my love to him was welcomed. he has the same way, i dont know why with a long story, finally we get close and close, having a first date and so on. while the step on knowing each other, i didnt found my first reason to liked him. seems his faith go down after close to me. yea we all know, in islam, we are prohibited to get close, man and woman without marriage. i've found him several time not doing the pray. and i feel sad about it. really sad, but why i still stay. Whereas thats my main reason to agree go with him.
um, almost forget to tell you about my feeling when he asking me to get together. that was my first time i think about marriage. Before, if i had a relationship with a boy, i feel that, oh yea lets do it but lets see later if its going to marriage ending. but to this guy, i dont know why, i just feel lets know each other to step on the next level of live called mariage.
then, its not that easy to reach that goal. actually the main problem was, the parents acceptable. knowing my parents criteria's are about his job, his family and so on. yea like the other normal parents want. they wouldnt give their daughter to the wrong person right?
actually on all the criteria, he didnt hit all check. but you know whats on my mind? as long as he's good to Allah, working hard for family. lets just do it. my only plan was. lets go get what the parents want together, get their heart and work on that together.
To reach that goal, i start to introduce him to my main family. yes. i arrange the meeting. i invited all the family member to dinner, then asking him to join. thats my first time to introduce my boy to family, to my parents. how its feel? lil bit make me shy (cz hey! the last child bring a boy), nervous for sure, and all others mix feeling with hope that this man will acceptable to family. that night goes well, at least my parents know the person i close with. no more matching mekering me with others ( even if its not work to mom, she sometimes tried to introducing me to any her friends or fams son) but even if she tried to, i always denied it. because you know, before there are a guy that my mom want me to married, at the same time when i started to get close this fuckin man i like. at that time, i was asking for his advice. can i just know this guy for just knowing each other just like me and him. because in this phase, we are not being boy/girl friend or people call it "pacaran". We just say it with a commitment to being together in future. yea, that just close with 'pacaran' i know thats might be wrong moreover in our religion. and his advice was,"if you mean to be with me, then cut of that guy, if you wanna know more about him then cut me of".
and for sure, i'm the type of person that scare to have a mistake by purpose, so i cant run this two relationship, really afraid to get busted ( even all of my friend advised me to just run this two and i choose which is mean to me). so, i choose to cut that guy off and stay with him. back again to my purpose. i like him and i mean to be with him.
then, we spend time together in a year, arguing, mad each other, happiness, hanging out, all we done together to purpose that we wanna know each other in even the bad things. but, i admit that i always being cranky for lil things. such as if he cannot (but in my observe, he can but he seems better doing something else) accompanying me to go here and there, if he careless for what happen to me, saying the word that cruel on my opinion. thats make my relation ship lil bit runny. and i was wondering for this long time we wanna know each other, not a single time he asking me to meet his family. just meet his mom in hospital when he git sick. but its was just as an ordinary friends (i want more, hha).in my though, may be he is not ready yet, he maybe just manna make sure that his heart really choose me. and i appreciate it. and just wait when that day come without asking for it. and my progress in family just stuck on that day i introduce him. my mom sometimes asking him if he still exist on me, and my answer always "yes for sure, can i asking him to propose me?" and my mom be just smile and said "if you want to, asking ur dad" and raise her shoulder. they(my parents) just need to be assured. the only thing i can promote this man to my mom is his religious behaviour. thats what i can do so far. while im waiting him to get me close to his family. maybe after that i can be more faith and confidence if i know his family well.
before that things happen, my communication get worst,until we stop chatting each other in early 2019.The good things was, while my communication was lil bit broke, he seems come back close to God, that lil proud feeling if seeing him after pray. peace. but still on my mind, many other prejudice about him. because what? because we let that problem without any problem solve, without say sorry or else. it happen several time, there are problem, i got cranky, and we not speak each other. i tell you one of my weakness, im lil bit bitchy and tense to speak when im angry. and he didnt like it i guess, no one like it absolutely.
while all on my thought mix together, i just make conclusion that we just maintain the distance for good. to go away with 'pacaran effect' that not good for us. i just believe that some day, when he is ready, he will just asking me meet my mom and dad and face it together what ever the result is. so then i let day by day pass by. all i can do is just praying and praying. Allah, if it good to me get him close give us way, if it isnt (can you make it is? >,<) make my heart strong and find me the best way to stay away. yea thats the pray. even deep in my heart will with him until the end of the day until after life. i just believe, he just stay with me (because we nit talking much) thats just my faith for that time.
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